The Chinese President arrives in the Land of the Three Kingdoms….

The President of the People’s Republic of China flew in to the Land of the Three Kingdoms on Tuesday and promptly acquiesced in the proposition that a new golden era was developing between these two geostrategic blocks. “Although China and the UK are located at either end of the Eurasian continent, we have a long shared deep mutual affection”, President Xi Jingpin declared, thus displaying imaginative licence equally towards both history and geography. Two places on the opposite side of the world with a background of Cold War frigidity and colonial suspicion would be nearer the mark, but old China hands were nonetheless impressed. We are used to understanding the significance of the Golden Era to Sino-British relations purely in terms of the quality of its spring rolls and chicken chow mein.

President Xi landed in London, otherwise the kingdom of the Emperor Bo Jo, although the Emperor himself had taken himself off to the land of China’s old enemy Japan. He had gone there for the traditional purpose of making trouble for his great rival, the Lord of the Middle Kingdom, Flam Cam. In this instance this was done by reporting that the Japanese would regard it as a matter of no consequence should the Three Kingdoms divorce themselves from that part of the Eurasian continent currently held beneath the tyrannical sway of evil Prince Eu. Flam Cam was undeflected from his main purpose for the week, which was finding as much of the Three Kingdoms that his visitor could buy. In the matter of negotiating future relations with Prince Eu, Flam Cam follows the teaching of Confucius that it does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.

In the course of his peregrinations around the Middle Kingdom, the Chinese president, known also as Xi Who Must Be Obeyed, met many strange people, among them the Queen and Prince
Philip as well as Cor Byn, a bearded sage who introduced him to his mystical Doctrine of Disinterested Leadership. This holds that the leader need not concern himself with the actions of his followers, safe in the knowledge that at some point dark forces, mustered by an organizing spirit who goes by the name of Mo Men Tum, will gather them up and slaughter them in their constituencies.

Cor Byn  spoke earnestly to Xi about political prisoners, though whether he was protesting about the present or picking up tips for the future was not revealed. The President had little time to find out in any case since he was whisked off by Flam Cam for a plate of fish and chips – a delicacy that he had especially requested – served in a pub where Lord Cam had once performed the famous Ceremony of the Forgotten Daughter. The pair also signed a pact on cybersecurity. Under the terms of this agreement Lord Cam agreed never ever to try to hack into China’s national security database in return for Xi consenting to like at least 50% of his posts on Facebook.

Travelling north with the words of Ber Cow ringing in his ears – a minor scolding over human rights, which is as much a Westminster rite of passage as a serious impediment – President Xi arrived in the third and final segment of the Three Kingdoms. This is the land presided over by the dynasty known as the Northern Wei. Flam Cam made the journey with him, announcing somewhat improbably, that the Chinese had bought into the Wei of the Powerhouse, which was thereby “unstoppable” as a result. For all Flam Cam’s Ham Flam, everyone knows that in these distant reaches it is Chairman Osborne whose writ is law. It was revealed that he had fought hand to hand with the notorious Brummy Triads for the privilege of bringing Xi to Manchester. Sure enough, Chairman Osborne was on hand to present his visitor with a football signed by the Manchester United football team and to demonstrate to him the rudiments of the marital art that the Chairman has perfected known as Hard Hat. It was no doubt with some relief that the President flew back to Beijing, safe in the knowledge that there will soon be direct flights from Manchester for the many thousands who will be no doubt eager to make the same journey.

Chairman Osborne did not get it all his own way. Down in Westminster, his tax credits policy was being denounced by MPs of all parties, chief among them Heidi Allen, a Tory backbencher making a long-delayed maiden speech. It is Ms Allen who revealed that she has fantasies about Boris Johnson and Vladimir Putin wrestling naked from the waist up, though her opening effort in the chamber was mercifully denuded of such grotesque imagery. “I chose the blue team”, she declared, imperiously explaining her journey into politics, and in such a manner that it was clear the blue team should consider itself jolly lucky to have been thus chosen. But the blue team had let her down, electing to go for narrow-minded fiscal rectitude over the compassionate conservatism that she favoured. Speaking up for narrow minded fiscal rectitude, the Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Greg Hands, pointedly ignored Ms Allen’s contribution in his winding-up, though she found herself warmly praised from the opposition’s lists. MPs on all sides meanwhile bridled at her implication that the reason she had delayed speaking there for so long was that she regarded the House of Commons a pointless waste of time and oxygen. Out of the mouths of babes and astrophysicists.

Chairman Osborne will be taking notes and one suspects that when the War of the Three Kingdoms reaches its zenith, Ms Allen will be following the path of Bo Jo. It is unlikely though that the Chairman will have time to extract an immediate revenge . Next week a trade delegation from Brazil will be arriving and he and Flam Cam will be unpacking their outrageous costumes and samba-ing to the airport.